New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
My penis needs a shock collar
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
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