when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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