so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
