i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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