life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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