all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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