got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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