I hate your face
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
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I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
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I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize