Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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