when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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