i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
