im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
