census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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