I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
