I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
