I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
