In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
