@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
