You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
