can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
