yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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