Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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