The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
