I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
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It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
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Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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