He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
