My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
