Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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