Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
