I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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