Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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