If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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