Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
