He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
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