My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
