Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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