and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
