Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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