She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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