M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
