I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
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