I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
