I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
