There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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