My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
