dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We had to coat check the pizza.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
