I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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