I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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