dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
