I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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