I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
