a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
