remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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