textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Its about making memories worth repressing
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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