yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
im six kinds of drunk right now
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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