conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
