Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL